The Intimacy Spectrum | Intimacy Coaching in Canada

The Data Says: Masking in Intimacy

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Intimacy_Spectrum
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The Data Says: Masking in Intimacy

The data says neurodivergent people often mask, even in intimacy. Masking means hiding or changing parts of yourself to appear “normal” or to avoid conflict.

In everyday life, masking might look like rehearsing conversations, copying body language, or suppressing stims. In intimacy, masking can become even more painful.

What Masking in Intimacy Can Look Like

  • Pretending to enjoy touch that feels uncomfortable.
  • Ignoring sensory overwhelm because you don’t want to seem “difficult.”
  • Pushing through sex when you’d rather stop.
  • Smiling, nodding, or agreeing when your body is saying no.

Why It Matters

Masking is exhausting. Over time, it can lead to shutdowns, burnout, or a loss of connection with your own desires. In relationships, it creates distance — because if you’re always performing, your partner never really meets you.

What Helps

  • Permission to unmask. Safe, non-judgmental spaces with partners who understand make all the difference.
  • Check-ins. Asking “Is this good for you?” or “Do you want to pause?” creates room to drop the mask.
  • Self-trust. Learning to notice your own signals — when your body says stop, or when you’re not actually enjoying something.
  • Boundaries. Saying no isn’t rejection; it’s honesty. And intimacy built on honesty is stronger.

Masking may help us survive in a world that doesn’t always understand neurodivergence. But in intimacy, removing the mask is what lets us be fully seen and fully loved.

Thank you for the trust, I’m Heather.

References

  • Livingston, L. A., Colvert, E., Bolton, P., & Happé, F. (2019). Good social skills despite poor theory of mind: Exploring compensation in autism spectrum disorder. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 60(1), 102–110. https://doi.org/10.1111/jcpp.12886
  • Hull, L., Mandy, W., & Petrides, K. V. (2017). Behavioural and cognitive sex/gender differences in autism spectrum condition and typically developing males and females. Autism, 21(6), 706–727. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361316669087