The Data Says: Alexithymia
The data says many neurodivergent people experience alexithymia. That word might sound clinical, but it describes something very human: struggling to put feelings into words.
Alexithymia doesn’t mean someone lacks emotions. It means there’s a disconnect between what’s felt inside and how to label it. You might know something is happening in your body but not whether it’s sadness, anger, fear, or even hunger.
What Alexithymia Can Look Like
- Knowing you feel “bad” but not being sure what kind of bad.
- Freezing when asked “How are you feeling?”
- Struggling to explain desires or preferences in relationships.
- Physical symptoms showing up (headaches, stomachaches, fatigue) when emotions don’t find words.
Why It Matters in Intimacy
When we can’t name emotions, we can’t easily share them with partners, friends, or family. That can leave ND people feeling misunderstood, disconnected, or even dismissed. In intimacy, alexithymia might look like:
- Wanting closeness but not knowing how to ask for it.
- Avoiding hard conversations because the words won’t come.
- Being told you’re “cold” or “shut down,” when really you’re struggling to translate inner experience into language.
What Helps
- Building a feelings vocabulary. Tools like feelings charts or even simple lists of emotion words can create a bridge.
- Noticing body signals. A racing heart, tense shoulders, or tears can hint at what’s going on underneath.
- Slowing down. Taking time to pause before answering gives the nervous system space to catch up.
- Gentle curiosity. Instead of pushing for exact words, try “Does it feel more like anger or sadness?”
Alexithymia is not a flaw. It’s one way a neurodivergent brain processes (or struggles to process) emotions. With patience and tools, ND people — and their partners — can find ways to connect beyond words.
Thank you for the trust, I’m Heather.
References
- Kinnaird, E., Stewart, C., & Tchanturia, K. (2019). Investigating alexithymia in autism: A systematic review and meta-analysis. European Psychiatry, 55, 80–89. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30399531/
- Bird, G., & Cook, R. (2013). Mixed emotions: The contribution of alexithymia to the emotional symptoms of autism. Translational Psychiatry, 3(7), e285. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3731793/
- Butera CD, Harrison L, Kilroy E, Jayashankar A, Shipkova M, Pruyser A, Aziz-Zadeh L. Relationships between alexithymia, interoception, and emotional empathy in autism spectrum disorder. Autism. 2023 Apr;27(3):690-703. doi: 10.1177/13623613221111310. Epub 2022 Jul 14. PMID: 35833505; PMCID: PMC9839896.