When Desire Disappears: Living With Mismatched Libidos

One of you wants sex. The other wants sleep. Sound familiar?

If you’re the one counting days, you probably feel like the rejected one. If you’re the one avoiding sex, you probably feel pressured and guilty. Either way, mismatched desire doesn’t just live in the bedroom — it spreads into the space between you, filling it with tension.

Here’s the thing: desire isn’t broken. It’s just messy.

Most of us were taught desire should be spontaneous. Sparks, heat, clothes flying. But for many people, desire is responsive. It shows up after closeness begins, not before. If you’re waiting for your partner to suddenly feel “in the mood,” you might be waiting for a system that doesn’t run that way.

Now layer in the rest of life: stress, work, kids, medications, aging. Maybe you’re queer or neurodivergent and intimacy has never followed the “standard” script anyway. None of this means your partner doesn’t love you or want you. It means desire is more complicated than Hollywood ever admitted.

👉 This is where Individual Intimacy Coaching can help. Together, we can explore the patterns shaping your desire and find tools that make intimacy possible again, in ways that actually fit your life.

And yet, the questions still gnaw:

“Am I unattractive now?”
“Do they still love me?”
“Is this forever?”

Those are human questions. But they’re also questions with answers that aren’t as hopeless as they feel at 2 a.m. Attraction and desire aren’t identical. Love doesn’t vanish just because sex feels hard. And mismatched desire doesn’t have to be a permanent state — but it does need attention.

So where do you start? Sometimes with comfort, not heat. A hand on the shoulder. A kiss that doesn’t have to go anywhere. A night where touch has no agenda. Lowering the pressure often makes space for desire to return.

And here’s the part nobody likes to talk about: mismatched desire isn’t fixed by more sex, it’s fixed by better conversations. The kind that don’t spiral into blame. The kind that let you name your needs without shame. The kind that create safety, not more tension.

For couples navigating this together, Couples Intimacy Coaching creates a space to move through mismatched libidos without shame or blame — just real strategies that work.

Coaching isn’t therapy, and it isn’t touch. It’s a space where you can bring your real questions and get practical tools: how to talk about sex without fighting, how to reconnect outside the bedroom, how to create conditions that make desire possible again.

Because mismatched libidos aren’t a death sentence. They’re a signal. And signals can be responded to.

If this feels close to home, ask yourself: if intimacy could look different for us, what might that open up?

If you’re ready to start building a new way forward, I’d be glad to hold that space with you. You can begin with a Meet & Greet or an Intake Session to see if coaching feels like the right fit.

Still have questions? The FAQ page can help you learn more about what to expect.

Thank you for the trust,
Heather